


jealousy

by ryvrr



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Angst, M/M, POV Second Person, Pining, Pre-Canon, Unresolved Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:26:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5965627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryvrr/pseuds/ryvrr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was kind of like word vomit? You weren't sure what possessed you to admit it when your chance for everything you wanted was <i>right there</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feels because of my RP blog for Chris, okay!!! So I wrote this. And I tested out second person POV for it too, idk, I ran with it. Also I write a lot of things that don't get posted here on AO3, so I-- as always-- suggest people follow my [fanfiction tumblr](http://mynxwrites.tumblr.com). Thanks, everyone, who's still reading my fics! :') You all mean a lot to me.
> 
> If you see any mistakes, they're of my own making. This hasn't been beta'd except for a quick glance through by myself!

It was weird how your friendship worked sometimes.

You were allowed to like people. You liked girls, a lot of the time, but sometimes you liked guys too, and that was okay. Josh never even blinked an eye at it, honestly. Even when you finally one day-- stumbling over your words, sweaty palms, and a nervous stomach-- told him that _yeah, you liked guys too, you liked both, you didn’t care_ , Josh took it all in good stride. He smiled and nodded along and told you, _yeah, buddy, I kind of figured it out on my own when you kissed Matt one night while wasted_ and that was that. 

Except it _wasn’t_. 

Josh knowing only allowed your friendship-- or whatever it was, who even knew half the time anyway-- to grow to other territories it wasn’t in before. Now that Josh knew, it was okay for you to place your hand on his waist when you lead him around a party. He’d drank too much that night, you know? He needed someone to guide him. And it was also okay to sometimes be overly affectionate, because Josh _knew_ now, Josh knew that you were like that with guys and with girls, he _knew_. You got flirty with guys, but you also got flirty with Josh, and that was okay. You were best friends. Best friends did that, right? 

So there were plenty of girls you liked-- and guys-- growing up, and Josh didn’t even seem to mind. He didn’t, not really? Not from what you could tell. He always just raised his brows and asked, _really, Cochise?_ and you’d say _yeah, really_ and that was that. 

Well… it _should_ have been that. 

Josh got strangely intense about anyone you liked. And you meant _anyone_. For an entire summer you liked Matt, and Josh was totally down with that. He cheered you on and told you to make a move and eventually you were kind of relieved when Matt hooked up with some girl from his summer camp and you told Josh _I don’t like him anymore_. Because then it was dropped and Josh left it alone. 

But there was bound to be someone else after, of course there was, and this time it was some pretty little cheerleader that was friends with Jess. She brought her around once or twice to some parties and you were introduced, finally, after noticing how pretty she was the first time. You were nervous and your palms sweated and you fumbled your drink and nearly spilled it all over her dainty dress, but she just laughed it off. She smiled at you and her eyes crinkled a little and you thought, _uh oh_ , because that meant-- 

Josh knew, of course. You weren’t sure how he figured it out-- _he probably watched you too closely half the times you were looking elsewhere_ , your mind whispered, but you ignored it-- but he knew all the same. _Ask her out,_ he’d say. _Go on,_ he’d whisper as he nudged you. _What’s the worse she’s gonna say? No?_ He was right. The worst she _could_ say was no, but… 

Like with all your other crushes, eventually it went away. She hooked up with someone-- probably Mike, he seemed to like blowing through the entire cheer leading team at that time-- and you lost interest. Josh seemed deflated a bit after that one and sighed a lot more, like you were putting him out. _I’ll find you someone,_ he told you one night and you just looked at him strangely. 

_Why are you so into this?_ you asked but he waved you off. No answer. He dodged any attempt you made to figure it out. Oh well. That was just Josh for you. He was intense when he wanted to be, and your love life seemed to be one of those key areas he had latched onto. 

But… if _Josh_ ended up liking someone? 

Oh fuck, you better watch out. Suddenly your stomach would cramp up-- upon hearing _oh she’s cute_ , or _I’d bang him_ \-- any sort of hint that he was interesting and you’d feel like your world was collapsing under your feet. _Huh,_ you’d mutter noncommittally while staring at the person from across the room. Because _huh_ was the only thing you could think to say, really. _I don’t know… I think--_ and then you’d find something wrong with them, **something** , and Josh would tilt his head a little-- he did that when he was thinking deeply about something-- and frown. _You’re right,_ he’d say every time but his eyes would flash to you and there was something there, a glow in his eyes that hinted he knew something you didn’t, that would always give you pause. _You’re right, they’re not my type after all,_ he’d tell you and then move onto some other topic. 

And it wasn’t like it wasn’t _always_ like this, but now you didn’t have to be as subtle. When Josh got his first kiss-- years before you even considered getting yours, truth be told-- you’d been sick with emotion then too. He’d told you about it, and then you’d spent the next hour over analyzing every little thing he’d conveyed to you. Her nose was too long, her lips were uneven, she had a horse laugh, she wasn’t the right type of person to keep up with Josh-- _anything_ , you’d say anything to try and show him that he shouldn’t be with them. Most of them were lies, even, because most of the people Josh chose actually weren’t that bad. 

Like that girl Summer back in ninth grade, who’d had golden curls and matching amber eyes, who’d smiled wide even though she had braces and showed no ounce of self doubt. He’d kissed her behind the football field and dated her even for two months. You’d disliked her intensely. For no reason, even. You just didn’t like her. Eventually he broke it off after she’d gotten petty with you about something-- you were pretty sure she’d sneered and said something mean about you not being very in shape-- and that was it. Josh dropped her. Just like that. They broke up and he’d never talked about her again, or talked to her. 

There started to be a _pattern_ after awhile, and even you-- so far up your own ass on purpose so you didn’t have to admit to things, so you didn’t have to _know_ \-- could see it. He’d date people-- guys, girls, anyone-- and after awhile he’d drop it, but only after something you said about them, or something they said about you, was brought up. The moment someone tried to get in between your friendship, or you admitted you didn’t like them, _bam_. Josh was done with them too. 

And you weren’t stupid. You knew what you were doing, you just… if you admitted it aloud, if you allowed yourself to realize the truth, then you’d have to eventually admit your feelings too. You’d have to tell Josh that you liked him as _more_ than just your best friend and-- 

That was fucking terrifying. 

He was more than just your best friend. He was your entire social structure, really. You loved your other friends, but that was nothing compared to how much you loved Josh, and-- 

You couldn’t and you wouldn’t. Not ever. 

_It’s too bad Hannah doesn’t like you instead of Mike,_ Josh had said one night on the tail end of a sigh. _You’re a way better guy, Cochise._ The nickname caused a flutter in your stomach, just like it always did. Ancient butterflies that erupted and coasted around as you smiled a little to yourself, because this was something the two of you shared that no one else could ever infringe upon. _Hmmm,_ you’d reply noncommittally. Hannah was great, but you were too wrapped up in Josh to ever seriously consider either of the other siblings. _Nah, I’m not her type, bro._

_You’re my type,_ Josh said, because that night he fucked up the regular code of these exchanges, that night he looked at you and he smiled, and his eyes were knowing again and you fumbled, you panicked, you-- 

_Know who’s my type?_ you blurted before you could help yourself. Josh made a noise and looked interested. He looked **hopeful** and god it hurt to look at him, he was like the sun, he shone too bright, and soon he’d be like a black hole and he’d crush in on himself, because you could feel the words bubbling up, you didn’t want to say them, but-- 

_Ashley. Yeah, she’s totally my type, dude._

You always ignored that aspect of yourself. You were a coward. You were way too weak to ever dare look at Josh too long and think _he could be mine_ and believe it.


End file.
